Fighting to be Right: why winning costs you connection
Most couples do not argue because they enjoy conflict. They argue because something important is not being met, and they are trying, often too forcefully, to be heard by their partner.
When this happens, many people fall into familiar patterns that feel justified in the moment but quietly damage connection.
Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), calls these patterns the Five Losing Strategies. Over a short series of blogs, I will explore each one and what actually helps instead.
The five losing strategies are:
Needing to be right
Controlling your partner
Unbridled self-expression
Retaliation
Withdrawal
Let’s start with the first one.
Losing Strategy #1: Being right
This is one I see often in my therapy room.
Here is a familiar pattern:
Bree and Dean (not their real names) came to therapy stuck in ongoing arguments about effort and fairness. Bree tended to approach disagreement as something to be solved by proving her position was the correct one. In her childhood home, she often felt overlooked in a busy, chaotic family and learned early that she needed to push hard to be noticed.
Dean grew up with a critical, demanding father and a self-sacrificing, overly involved mother. When Bree presented a different view, he quickly became defensive, feeling judged and inadequate.
Their disagreements rapidly turned into what can only be described as a courtroom drama. Bree stepped into the role of prosecutor. Dean took the witness stand. Bree kept a mental spreadsheet of who had done what, who had sacrificed more, and who was owed.
Every conflict became a presentation of evidence.
The problem was not that the facts were wrong. It was that their relationship had quietly turned into a courtroom.
I saw this dynamic play out again in an earlier session. Bree described feeling upset that, despite asking Dean in the morning to get milk, he forgot. Dean immediately defended himself by saying she should have sent a reminder text, missing an opportunity for apology and repair. Bree responded by listing every task she had completed that day without needing a reminder. Dean muttered that nothing he did was ever good enough. Bree pushed harder. Dean withdrew.
At that point, it was clear that being right was costing them their connection.
When we slowed things down and shifted the focus from what had or had not happened to what each person was needing, the emotional temperature dropped. Bree needed to feel supported and heard without defensiveness or withdrawal. Dean needed to feel able to contribute without feeling criticised or managed.
This is exactly what Terry Real means when he says:
“Objective reality has no place in intimate relationships.”
You can be right, or you can be connected. Very rarely both.
Over time, this strategy leaves one or both partners feeling dismissed, unheard, or subtly shamed. The relationship may continue, but intimacy steadily erodes.
What to do instead
This work is not about agreeing or giving up your perspective. It is about changing the goal.
Connection grows when you stop trying to convince and start trying to understand. Different perceptions can exist at the same time without either person being wrong.
It also means shifting from complaint to request. As Terry Real reminds us:
“You don’t get what you don’t ask for.”
Clear, direct requests create movement. Being right keeps you stuck and leaves your partner feeling wrong.
Notice when you are arguing your case rather than staying connected. Ask yourself what matters more in that moment: winning the point or protecting the relationship.
Real change begins when at least one person chooses connection over being right.